FROM 3/30/07
The past few days have been hectic, both days I’ve been put in situations where I wanted so badly to throw an object or just fall. I went to a hospital saw my Grandpa after his mild stroke…he happened to be tolerable enough to live….my Grandma was well, my parents were all right. Was I the only one fading on the inside? Death of anyone I love is my one of my worst fears of mine. The minute I stepped in the hospital I felt anxious and unsettled, it was one of the times I felt my nightmare was becoming reality, you step into a place it seems all the bit depressing and walk towards a room to expect barely a person. You’re stuck in the sickness; it was like my whole life was like a hospital bed. As I settled I realized he was going to be alright, I seemed to be the only one dying inside. I sat there with nothing but I blank clueless face as I understood all the words coming out of there mouths as they assumed I didn’t speak there God damn language. They assume as there ignorance takes over and as numerous times as I try uttering to them the actuality they don’t consider it. They have a discussion about me when I’m right there knowing I can’t state a thing. I felt as if, this hospital was my future….it was my present as I could foresee …. When I was dragged to more breaths of there lack of knowledge. My lips were sealed, as if I had a choice. There constant opinion of being overprotective over me is wearing out. The day after was even worse. My dad almost had a stroke himself; his blood pressure reached an almost deathly level just when I was contemplating whether my life was even significant enough to keep living it. I stared at the poison it was in the palm of my hand. I was about to make a horrible mistake and I didn’t. I’ve thought about it too many times to count, this damage is unconstructable. But maybe one day things will progress.
From 3/4/07
Not even a week could past without this infection controllable insanity of mine. I am afraid of myself and what I’m capable of doing when I’m in a livid and frustrated state of mind. I do nothing but cry and rock back and forth biting my nails anxiously. I only think of doing one thing as I do this, the only way to get out, as unhealthy and sinful. I don’t care. Everyone’s narrow minded and ignorance is too much to seize. They talk to me as if I am nothing and talk down to me as if they were any better. I know I don’t deserve this but it just gets worse. The madness as reached such a high altitude. I don’t know about my religion. They say that when you feel no one understands you, you should think of God because he does. How would a perfect, walking on water type of holy God, understand the explanation of why I cut? He says he rejects the sinners anyways, as far as I know we’re not friends, mild acquaintances and barely that. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to be reminded what a horrible sinner I am when I’m already ashamed to show my face, I can’t state my name, I can’t move when I’m in a presences of my abhorrence. They beg of me to be different and don’t accept what I’ve already comprise of. I’m done.
