The Original Fake Audrey.

To Him….Hey, here I am again my violent failure love is ready to be given. Obviously not to you who as used and abused my heart oh more violently. They become the ghosts and I’ve suddenly become the world’s biggest joke with Valentine’s Day approaching I can’t wait to see what you get her and I can’t wait to see you once again walk by me without a word spoken. Oh how I know you so well…I seem to put up a shell on myself and take the blame, swallow the shame every fucking day it’s the same. I want you still what could I say? A creep like me needs a hobby. Missing you when we never were, just wishing I could be like her. Scared of the day I won’t be there to walk in front of, not even to talk…no voice, no touch, no dream. All but hope is dead right now and I am nothing but pathetic. Don’t care that life is no fair because I’ve got that other pain in my leg, the blood was falling. It’s just stalling that emotional heartache and I thank for it everyday. But also pray that you just go away.

What the journal entry called?

“My heart is the worst kind of weapon”

HAPPY V-DAY!

Well another day, another failure that continues breathing… yes it’s me. Just today I shut my mind down and decided to do something that I enjoyed. No helping anyone else but myself. Now I have a headache though which as come to no surprise since… I’ve been helping sick, congested nose freaks, which happens to be my family. Today I got my Social Studies Quiz back and a 74… is not good. I studied and I did better than I usually do. I know it’s horrible to give accuses but… my house is the smallest thing for 6 dysfunctional people. I only get to be alone in my room (usually doing the tons and tons of homework) for about 2 hours. Maybe I go listen to music and go on buzznet too. But I’m never able to feel comfortable or when I want to just cool down from some obnoxious comment my father said to my mother about me (obviously loud enough so I could hear) I slam a door and turn my music greatly high then I look like the bad one but I do it because everything is his way and everything is done his way because he’s a king right?? Well that’s exactly what he says. To make matters worse he treats my mom like a piece of garbage. They apparently live in the 19^th century… the mom is suppose to cook and clean and never go out only to bow at the husbands feet right? It’s what they both believe. My dad could say horrific things to her and since my dad got sick just about 8 years ago… and had a stroke that traumatized her badly. She believes it’s the reason why he does all theses bad things…she is a brainwashed helpless girl who can’t even realize how bad he ruined her life. She didn’t finish college just to marry and move to US. Now he works, she can’t get a decent job if he leaves her (which he’s said he would countless times and blames me for it all) I have to sit and watch and vow to keep my mouth shut when I would be the first one to be up and heated. Everything I do is horrible wrong to him, he calls me fat when he waits about 300 pounds and as this thing where he starts excessively eating. My family tells him to stop… sometimes I just let him eat…hoping the next stroke could be tomorrow that dumbass that always makes me feel never good enough. I get angry at him since everything that he says is pointing out a flaw in me or in my mom (when she does everything for him including live for him) so of course I feel angry and I am always heated and aggravated. Thank God I’ve learned how to teach myself, how to not listen to those crazy useless words that he says, and how ignorant and sad he is.  I don’t cry for him and wonder why everyone is so mean to him though my mom does. I don’t cut him off and take his money though my 2 sisters and brother does so. All I do is avoid, yell, and roll my eyes when he talks and I’m obviously the bad person because I’m the youngest and he’s sick (8years ago) and I’m an angry crazy person right?? He doesn’t know how to live calmly. It almost makes me feel bad for him though I just can’t I still hate him. I still wish he could stop ruining my life (I will never be a bad parent because of him, I will never be like him) Sometimes you just can’t concentrate in this very small home of dysfunction (therefore do horrible in school). I don’t know what I would do without music, that boy, and cutting. Cutting releases pain and beats them to the emotional blow they give me everyday. It is something I can control, something I could do and no one can tell me I can’t. It is something that I am ashamed about. I don’t even state my name on this site because it’s painful to realize who I become over the course of a year maybe less. It’s hard to tell anyone who does know me. They have no idea whatsoever. There too busy trying to runaway from this house of mine and they keep on forgetting who there leaving behind…sometimes I don’t mind. Being alone as never felt so good…but just so lonely….

(btw the thing I enjoyed today was downloading music. It was the misfits.)

Ever gotten in a conversation about something serious and can’t say the things you feel because you’re afraid? I hate drama; sadly I’m around it ALL the time. I don’t want to cause a problem or thing to make everyone become serious with me so I’d rather be miserable and take blame for everything, be alone without saying about the way it makes me feel…I can’t express my feelings without getting myself confused and frustrated. Or feel abnormal myself… I just want to be normal like the people seem around me. I hate being stuck in a place that people find out things about you if it’s a rumor in a matter of seconds. Where people are fake but still have such great families that still obviously haven’t taught there sons and daughters what manners and respect is…I seem to have more common sense but I can’t just say “I feel I have more common sense than you” to my parents or classmates I’m around because…I would have to explain myself…and basically finally say what I’ve been feeling forever. I can’t just say things to them like

-you are all so normal and look at me the girl who can’t even do the most obvious thing by herself because she doesn’t want to screw up again and feel useless

-you have normal families who don’t happen to fight or make you cut yourself

-you don’t have to deal with being alone because you’ve got your “friends” or may I add fake to friends

-you probably haven’t woken up and felt you wanted to die and cry as you fall asleep

-you don’t live in a house of 6 depressed souls do you?

I rest my case, I hate being picked on and judged! I hate being told to do something or checked to see if I messed up once again…this is why everyone seems to bother me, because every word that comes out of there mouth is this! It’s never anything nice or even worth listening to…I hate people who are rude or maybe just envious… I’m tired of life…when am I going to be able to write about something that is not about emo nonsense…or blood or blood from cutting or being the total wreck that I am, though I will cherish all those meaningless words…I’m just so all over the place…with so much pressure on me to go to high school next year and do well and I’m just so demanded and told to do it over and over again, I don’t want other people to tell me what to do and as they continue to do so I continue to not listen and obviously become mediocre and useless and a failer in life when I haven’t even started it…I’m confused and messed up and hate explaining my feelings because I half the time don’t know myself. Everyone else is happy around me (at school) and at home it’s just so different. I’d rather spill my whole life on paper.

yep I got a fuckin hair cut which sucks cuz it looks too short and my bangs are completely fucked up. Idk. I think it looks stupid, my emo bands aren't in my eyes on the bright side.(I really did need a hair cut) but wtf? I mean I say cut a little but no....of course not... freakin annoying people that never listen to me. Oh well...5 dollars tip not even deserved to her....oh top of that I'm dreading a new year which is coming in a little more than a day. So how will I spend my last 24 hours of 06....at home bored out of mind! going fuckin insane!! and Idk...I'm completely confused about possibly everything. Idk...I'm hoping new years isn't a huge drag. This isn't even like when I was 6 and I would fall asleep before, this is like 13 going on 14 (and apparently looking 15 or 16 to the girl at the saloon!sp?) but yeah...07 is when I go to high school which must be much more cruel and another hole I might fall into. Though I'm hoping to not go to such a perfect high school cuz my middle school is all "perfect" everyone is so normal and I'm the only basket case. Who can't be emo or a cutter because it's socally unaccpetable to express my pain, anger, etc... or theses "perfect" people don't have real problems and cry for stupid shit like if someone takes there seat or they fall out of there seat (this happened before the girl was crying and wouldn't talk to anyone that day) but when serious problems for me occur at home, I feel misunderstood by friends and family(mostly family again) I'm labled as so many things when people don't really care to know who I am. I'm hurt and I just wanna get out. Because I'm around either preppy or ghetto. I'm either I'm emo. People thought I was emo and they would call me emo blah blah blah just to bother me. I feel I can't even tell people without people asking me why am I depressed and being all nosey when they just have no idea. I'm tired of people and there cliques I don't wanna be a loser to some people or popular to some people I don't care anymore. I don't care if I really don't bother to listen to my dad who as been saying unacceptable things to my mom that my mom shouldn't take. I wish they would just divorce. My mom deserves better my dad deserves to same alone with his parents until they die. I know bitter me etc... I don't care I'm tired of people telling me I'm a devil child because I don't go to church. It's an environment that I can't take anymore, it's a horrible feeling it's the same people for three years. Same people 6 out of 7 days a week because my school just as to be private with freakin nuns that are strict as hell and a fuckin principal that doesn't let me wear a braclet, I also wore a belt that was "unacceptable" I'm done with my "friends". They so aren't I feel like I'm the person always willing to do anything for the people that they care about but everyone that I care about doesn't need my love or everything I could give...so they ignore me, and at times or ALL the time I feel things would be better if I wasn't here. I wouldn't be heartbroken by a guy that doesn't know how in love I am with him though when his girlfriend hugs him infront of me he backs off because he knows he doesn't want me looking at it. I'm tired of a complete broken home where we are all living together in a small house with nothing but material posessions to make us feel better (me) nothing else to entertain me, I obsess over music(I-pod) computer...etc because there's nothing else to do. I'm lonely. My whole family lives together but my sister doesn't talk to my brother or mother. My mom and I are the only ones that talk to my crazy dad. I'm the only one that talks to everyone. It's sad I always have to talk to my mom and tell her if my sister needs anything and be a little messager. Hear all the agruments. My parents keep threating to kick out my sister, and my dad threats just to leave. I have depression so I really have things on my mind. I don't think about school when I'm in class I think of the guy that I love ripping my heart opened as I watch his girlfriend sit near me, and think how lucky she is. Then there's school work which supposably (sp?) makes me a failer and horrible person cause I'm always "late" or I'm just not an hour early like my dad would want me. But I'm early but he still yells at me in the morning that I should be early... I don't understand when he blames me for stuff that clearly isn't my fault! then there's school work which is hard cause the last thing I wanna do when I'm depressed at home is study it's like give me a fuckin break! I'm tired all the time when I come back from school, I'm tired of everything. I wish I felt comfortable being myself around people but I can't because my sister's hate that stupid emo shit and they want me to be preppy in abercombie and blah blah blah. Seriously, I could careless about what I wear and I've been to that store. As soon as you walk in the music just gives me the first feeling I'm definally(sp?) not in the right place.... I mean dance and shit...so NOT me. Then you walk in and there's like models that are freakin sticks and people who look bulmic...haha it's gross. THEN, you look at the prices for this preppy not even worth it piece of junk and your like? WTF? 100 dollars for a jacket...40 dollars for a shirt?? the only thing I bought was leggings....haha which were like 20 dollars...weird shit. I'm over that stupid abercombie and fitch store. I went to hot topic with my friends a few days ago...haha not bad. Atleast it's a little more my element. Though my friends of course felt out of place completely. They went to abercombie after and drooled over the model guy with muscles on the bag *shivers* why God why? haha. I thought of emo hair on a guy soon after and I realized a guy with a cute face couldn't change my views on emo or prep. I'm more emo but it's weird cause my friend knowing my style bought me a shirt from abercombie, covered the lable but obvious couldn't. She didn't want me to strike judgement all just because of the fact of the brand...haha but I ended up liking it. It was weird and the day I wore it I had to put my black sweater on top of it...when I looked in the mirror I didn't wanna become the "perfect" people that were in my school the ones who just assumed they hated emo people because...who knows? they're preps...and bitches...but yeah...haha. No wonder emos hate preps! haha. But I never just hate people because of a sterotype or a lable, because I hate being labled myself. At this time I don't even know what the hell I am. All I know is I can't become anything like thoses bitches in my school, that they love skulls and evanscence (sp?) and won't believe it's fucking gothic! but'll bother me when I wear black. I hate them so much. Why can't people just accept me?? Why does this have to be so hard? I don't understand why I feel that people in my class can change but when it's me people just notice...like what about the other ppl!?!?!?!? like WTF!?!?! everything I do is wrong!! and they're like "I'm a bitch and I know it, I know people don't like me" but saying this smiling. When EVERYONE hates them...they have no friends, I literally said there name and I heard a group of my whole 8th grade class...or my whole 8th grade class go EWWW... and then start cracking up. I feel like crap right now cause I have cramps but more of my confused self later...gosh it's good to vent! lol